The National League: Like you knew them in high school
For my Major League Baseball 2006 Preview, I figured I would relate each baseball team to people you knew from high school. Everybody remembers high school and if not, play along with these slight stereotypes.
National League
Atlanta Braves: They're like the senior starting quarterback you heard about as a freshman. Living strictly off of reputation, you are in awe of him. Even though your team runs a wishbone set and this guy has twice as many interceptions as touchdowns, he's been the starter since Little Gridders... and he has a letter jacket.
Florida Marlins: You were friends with this girl when you were younger. She was a good friend. Nothing spectacular, but a solid friend. Then the factory where her dad worked laid off half of its employees and she moved away so her dad could work for a legitimate company.
New York Mets: This is that one person you knew that tried way too hard to impress other people. They talk about the things they did over summer break proudly, but when you ask anything about that remarkable summer camp experience, they change the subject. They name drop frequently about people they've hung out with, but everyone still knows most of what they do or say is BS and that they're not as good as your best friend.
Philadelphia Phillies: This kid likes a girl, and everyone has known it for a long time. He keeps saying that he'll ask her out. Once in awhile he comes really close but he never manages to do it. So he goes back to the drawing board and trys to come up with a talent to change things, but it never works and he still likes the girl but never gets to the point of asking her out.
Washington Nationals: This girl just moved into town and she's kinda hot (maybe even French-Canadian, if you catch my drift). Her cousin also goes to school and says that she's been with a guy or two, so everyone is intrigued by this girl, until they realize the cousin was lying and that she's the same as most of the other girls in school.
Chicago Cubs: This guy is real unlucky. He tried out for the basketball team last year and didn't make it. They year before that he broke his arm over the summer, and the year before that barely missed making the JV team. He had a growth spurt over the summer but he's now uncoordinated and you know he won't make the team, the question will be how he won't.
Cincinnati Reds: This girl is a bitch. She's ridiculously unattractive, but she talks like she's a goddess. You and your friends don't like her one bit, and that sentiment permeates through the entire school. This girl won't amount to much, and will probably contract an STD at a frat party at your local state university.
Houston Astros: The scrubby kid with the scraggly beard that you're almost positive was two grades ahead of you in elementary school, but is now in your graduating class. Just an older kid that has been around forever, and nobody really wants any part of him.
Milwaukee Brewers: This is the underclassman guy the older girls like. As an older guy you might not understand why. But the girls can all justify why he's so attractive, probably his care free attitude and his nice hair. He's a good kid, but you really don't see why he's any better than you (but evidently he's the sleeper pick for the NL Central).
Pittsburgh Pirates (courtesy of my friend City): This girl looks pretty attractive because she's young with good potential to fill out a C cup. But she's just too young and if you hook up with her, it won't necessarily end well. Jail bait, in otherwords.
St. Louis Cardinals: This is your all around athlete. He might play baseball, football, and basketball... or she might play volleyball, tennis, and run track. But they're pretty much good at everything and are always really passionate about what they do. They find a way to be on top no matter what, and that's slightly frustrating to the rest of their friends (or the NL Central).
Arizona Diamondbacks: You vaguely knew this person. They had a real nice house with a pool (in the outfield). They were cool back in the day but now nobody really likes them. They just have a nice house for warm weather fun.
Colorado Rockies: This is the infamous high school slut. Everybody just hammers her, and there's absolutely nothing to like about this girl. You've heard too many stories about her that you'll never view her in a positive light. Her bedroom changes guys. Once they go there, something happens (inflated ERA) and they are never the same.
Los Angeles Dodgers: This girl is rich. They have money and they flaunt it, but they're nothing special... they might even be fat. You forget the girl is around because you really don't care.
San Diego Padres: The overachiever. They aren't really good at anything, they just barely snuck into your one AP class and they sleep through it. But they pass it, probably with a B, because the teacher curves the grades in your class.
San Francisco Giants: That girl or guy you didn't know in high school but had a crush on anyhow. Maybe you noticed the girls Victoria's Secret underwear in English class... or that guy wore that sweet shell necklace that went with the frosted hair tips and great smile. Then you found out that they "had some work done," or were into some hard drugs and your attitude changed. You weren't so into them anymore, but you couldn't take anything away from their attractiveness.
National League
Atlanta Braves: They're like the senior starting quarterback you heard about as a freshman. Living strictly off of reputation, you are in awe of him. Even though your team runs a wishbone set and this guy has twice as many interceptions as touchdowns, he's been the starter since Little Gridders... and he has a letter jacket.
Florida Marlins: You were friends with this girl when you were younger. She was a good friend. Nothing spectacular, but a solid friend. Then the factory where her dad worked laid off half of its employees and she moved away so her dad could work for a legitimate company.
New York Mets: This is that one person you knew that tried way too hard to impress other people. They talk about the things they did over summer break proudly, but when you ask anything about that remarkable summer camp experience, they change the subject. They name drop frequently about people they've hung out with, but everyone still knows most of what they do or say is BS and that they're not as good as your best friend.
Philadelphia Phillies: This kid likes a girl, and everyone has known it for a long time. He keeps saying that he'll ask her out. Once in awhile he comes really close but he never manages to do it. So he goes back to the drawing board and trys to come up with a talent to change things, but it never works and he still likes the girl but never gets to the point of asking her out.
Washington Nationals: This girl just moved into town and she's kinda hot (maybe even French-Canadian, if you catch my drift). Her cousin also goes to school and says that she's been with a guy or two, so everyone is intrigued by this girl, until they realize the cousin was lying and that she's the same as most of the other girls in school.
Chicago Cubs: This guy is real unlucky. He tried out for the basketball team last year and didn't make it. They year before that he broke his arm over the summer, and the year before that barely missed making the JV team. He had a growth spurt over the summer but he's now uncoordinated and you know he won't make the team, the question will be how he won't.
Cincinnati Reds: This girl is a bitch. She's ridiculously unattractive, but she talks like she's a goddess. You and your friends don't like her one bit, and that sentiment permeates through the entire school. This girl won't amount to much, and will probably contract an STD at a frat party at your local state university.
Houston Astros: The scrubby kid with the scraggly beard that you're almost positive was two grades ahead of you in elementary school, but is now in your graduating class. Just an older kid that has been around forever, and nobody really wants any part of him.
Milwaukee Brewers: This is the underclassman guy the older girls like. As an older guy you might not understand why. But the girls can all justify why he's so attractive, probably his care free attitude and his nice hair. He's a good kid, but you really don't see why he's any better than you (but evidently he's the sleeper pick for the NL Central).
Pittsburgh Pirates (courtesy of my friend City): This girl looks pretty attractive because she's young with good potential to fill out a C cup. But she's just too young and if you hook up with her, it won't necessarily end well. Jail bait, in otherwords.
St. Louis Cardinals: This is your all around athlete. He might play baseball, football, and basketball... or she might play volleyball, tennis, and run track. But they're pretty much good at everything and are always really passionate about what they do. They find a way to be on top no matter what, and that's slightly frustrating to the rest of their friends (or the NL Central).
Arizona Diamondbacks: You vaguely knew this person. They had a real nice house with a pool (in the outfield). They were cool back in the day but now nobody really likes them. They just have a nice house for warm weather fun.
Colorado Rockies: This is the infamous high school slut. Everybody just hammers her, and there's absolutely nothing to like about this girl. You've heard too many stories about her that you'll never view her in a positive light. Her bedroom changes guys. Once they go there, something happens (inflated ERA) and they are never the same.
Los Angeles Dodgers: This girl is rich. They have money and they flaunt it, but they're nothing special... they might even be fat. You forget the girl is around because you really don't care.
San Diego Padres: The overachiever. They aren't really good at anything, they just barely snuck into your one AP class and they sleep through it. But they pass it, probably with a B, because the teacher curves the grades in your class.
San Francisco Giants: That girl or guy you didn't know in high school but had a crush on anyhow. Maybe you noticed the girls Victoria's Secret underwear in English class... or that guy wore that sweet shell necklace that went with the frosted hair tips and great smile. Then you found out that they "had some work done," or were into some hard drugs and your attitude changed. You weren't so into them anymore, but you couldn't take anything away from their attractiveness.
posted by ML at 5:38 PM
1 Comments:
Good stuff man. Had the office laughing out loud.
As for that part about the Reds, she's a bitch because her older sister was so popular (i.e. the Big Red Machine)and can't figure out why she isn't. That slut.
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