The Revised Steeler Depth Chart
Ike Taylor has now become a $22.5 million dime specialist. Steelers coach Bill Cowher benched the former starting cornerback with hopes to revitalize a dismal Pittsburgh squad. Or, it could be because Taylor was primarily covering Javon Walker, who racked up 134 receiving yards and two touchdowns on six catches, and also ran for a 72 yard score. Ike's relegation proves no one is safe, and I don't think Cowher is done tinkering with the starting lineups yet...
On offense:
In a desperate attempt to talk about something else besides the Steelers inefficiency, Cowher names Sean Morey the #1 receiver for this week's game. Cowher secretly hopes Morey gets a mention in Bill Simmons' "Drew Bennett Award" for impressive white wide receiver of the year.
Willie Parker becomes the new third down back. "I think our third down packages will definitely improve with Willie in the backfield," says Cowher.
With Najeh Davenport probable and Verron Haynes out, Cowher concludes that Duce Staley should be motivated to potentially see the field this week. However, more comfortable in sweats on the sidelines, Staley promptly rolls his ankle and is questionable for the rest of the year.
Cowher announces the Cedric Wilson will not play on Sunday. Instead, he will dress up as "Tyrone Biggums" from The Chappelle Show, citing an increase in team morale whenever Wilson utters "I smoke rock!"
OT Willie Colon will start at center on Sunday, because, according to Cowher, "the sheer irony of a quarterback having his hands near Colon's colon is something I can't afford to pass up."
Ben Roethlisberger will not be replaced. "Ben has been one of our most consistent players this season," claims Cowher. The press agrees that Roethlisberger is consistent... consistently bad.
On special teams:
With Hines Ward available, Cowher decides Ward will return punts on Sunday. Cowher deadpans, "if Hines is going to start fumbling the ball, it makes sense to have our most talented fumbler at punt returner."
Behind closed doors, Cowher insists that Chris Gardocki should intentionally have a punt blocked for the first time of his career, claiming that perhaps the karma boost would put the Steelers back on the winning track.
On defense:
With such traditional depth at linebacker, Cowher moves Clint Kriewaldt to cornerback. By replacing Deshea Townsend, Cowher has completely replaced his cornerbacks, and looks to father a new movement for white cornerbacks in the NFL.
Chad Brown replaces Joey Porter in the lineup. "I think Chad can regain the 1996 form and really be a force," says Cowher. J-Peezy lets his dogs loose in frustration, causing widespread panic for all miniature horses in southwest Pennsylvania.
Coaching Staff:
In perhaps the most surprising change, Cowher says that he himself will not be leading the Steelers against the Saints on Sunday. The rumormill determines Charlie Batch will fill in as interim head coach, as a result of his extensive experience with headsets.
On offense:
In a desperate attempt to talk about something else besides the Steelers inefficiency, Cowher names Sean Morey the #1 receiver for this week's game. Cowher secretly hopes Morey gets a mention in Bill Simmons' "Drew Bennett Award" for impressive white wide receiver of the year.
Willie Parker becomes the new third down back. "I think our third down packages will definitely improve with Willie in the backfield," says Cowher.
With Najeh Davenport probable and Verron Haynes out, Cowher concludes that Duce Staley should be motivated to potentially see the field this week. However, more comfortable in sweats on the sidelines, Staley promptly rolls his ankle and is questionable for the rest of the year.
Cowher announces the Cedric Wilson will not play on Sunday. Instead, he will dress up as "Tyrone Biggums" from The Chappelle Show, citing an increase in team morale whenever Wilson utters "I smoke rock!"
OT Willie Colon will start at center on Sunday, because, according to Cowher, "the sheer irony of a quarterback having his hands near Colon's colon is something I can't afford to pass up."
Ben Roethlisberger will not be replaced. "Ben has been one of our most consistent players this season," claims Cowher. The press agrees that Roethlisberger is consistent... consistently bad.
On special teams:
With Hines Ward available, Cowher decides Ward will return punts on Sunday. Cowher deadpans, "if Hines is going to start fumbling the ball, it makes sense to have our most talented fumbler at punt returner."
Behind closed doors, Cowher insists that Chris Gardocki should intentionally have a punt blocked for the first time of his career, claiming that perhaps the karma boost would put the Steelers back on the winning track.
On defense:
With such traditional depth at linebacker, Cowher moves Clint Kriewaldt to cornerback. By replacing Deshea Townsend, Cowher has completely replaced his cornerbacks, and looks to father a new movement for white cornerbacks in the NFL.
Chad Brown replaces Joey Porter in the lineup. "I think Chad can regain the 1996 form and really be a force," says Cowher. J-Peezy lets his dogs loose in frustration, causing widespread panic for all miniature horses in southwest Pennsylvania.
Coaching Staff:
In perhaps the most surprising change, Cowher says that he himself will not be leading the Steelers against the Saints on Sunday. The rumormill determines Charlie Batch will fill in as interim head coach, as a result of his extensive experience with headsets.
posted by ML at 5:16 PM
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